As the Best Man, I have 3 jobs.
- Get the Groom and Ring to the wedding on time and in one piece.
- Deliver a funny yet scathing speech
- Organise the Stag Party
Number 1 and 2 were a long way off back in January when I was planning number 3 on the list. Davids friends are…. (searches for an accurate but minimally insulting description)…. a roudy bunch. It was soon settled that a suitably roudy trip to Magaluf was in order. After some planning, booking, herding cats, scheming and bribing, the trip was on.
I picked up David from MK with his brand new flight case. He had bought this especially to look professional and smart during his upcoming training and subsequent job as a commercial pilot. So of course I’d given catherine a list of things which he needed to pack including:
- Big Fat Army Boots
- BAR of soap
- Bra
- Eye Shadow and lipstick
- Rubber duck
- Swimming arm bands
- Snorkel
Of course hardly any of this was used, it was just funny to increase his trepidation for what lay ahead. None of us had told him where we were going or what we were doing… I had also underestimated his friends ingenuity. At the airport they produced a menacing looking leather 9 tails whip and a ball gag ⇦ if you dont know what that is, my more innocent readers, then google it with the safe search turned off… These were given to David to pack in his carry on luggage so that he would have to look the security guard in the eye as they passed through the scanner.
We were well behaved in the Airport because as much as we wanted to mess with him. We also didn’t want to endanger his career by getting him arrested before he had even qualified as a pilot. The only other gag we played was ordering him a Vegan breakfast while we all tucked into a meaty Full English.
Having booked a package deal with I Love Holidays (who I would recommend), I was given a load of vouchers for each segment of the trip. The transfer from the airport to the hotel sent us to a travel desk. Here we picked up a slip of paper and a coupon for something in spanish and were told to walk to another desk. That desk took our paper slip and gave us a tiny receipt that we took to a bus company desk where they checked it. They then sent us to the right bus stand where a large coach was waiting. Granted, the system worked, but there was a lot of walking about.
Other than that, I was very impressed with the package we had booked. I was ESPECIALLY impressed with Universal Hotel Florida. The hotel was close enough to the centre of the roudy bit of the main strip that it was convenient, but it was up a huge hill which dissuaded drunken oiks from being loud at night and waking us up. The cleanliness was impeccable, far exceeding my expectations for a 3* hotel. The food and drink was all included. The drink was a bit crap, but the food was absolutely sensational. I just pigged out on all the Mediterranean salad I could get my hands on, lavished with loads of gorgeous olive oil and salt….. SO….. GOOD…. Also, the staff were incredibly helpful and respectful which again, was not expected as they would have known full well we were here to get wrecked and make absolute tits of ourselves.
We had had a long flight and arrived in a hot-ish country lugging cases up and down so by the time we got to the hotel we needed a drink and a dip. We all headed down to the pool bar, grabbed a load of beers and clambered down to the rocks that the hotel was perched on, overlooking the sea. We jumped in and then immediately jumped out as our balls shot up inside our bodies with shock. It was only May and the sun had not really had any length of summer to warm up the Med yet.
After dinner we headed into town for a few quiet ones.
This did not happen.
Everyone knows that what intends to be a “few quiet ones” ALWAYS ends up being a complete bender. It was the first night on holiday and Mulligans Irish bar started us off with a load of free drinks and shots as soon as they spotted Davids black “Groom To Be” sash. It was like a free drinking pass! Every bar we passed dragged us in and said the Stag drank for free and some even let the Best Man drink for free, which I wasn’t about to argue with… Funnily, as the organiser, I found us staying at these bars the longest….
