Right Swipe

The advance of technology has changed most aspects of our lives. From the sci-fi screen of Star Trek came the automatic sliding door and handheld communicator proving that basically, whatever we dream up, we can make a reality. So it shouldn’t be a surprise technology would find its way into our romantic lives.

With touch screen phones, the age of the App is here and Tinder has arrived! This is possibly the most casual way to browse local romantic prospects without actually stepping out your front door. It’s so easy to use and basically a really shallow way to cut through the crowds and start to find someone. If you are unfamiliar with it, then basically you are presented with a picture of your preferred gender potential partner and you decide if they are hot or not. There is sometimes a small bio that usually says “I’m crap at writing bio’s, so swipe right if you want to know more”… which basically means they have no imagination…


And that’s all you get to make your mind up. Now you have 2 options; swipe right if you like them, swipe left if you don’t. Now just sit back and relax for someone to equally shallowly pre-judge you. If they swipe right on your pictures, you get a match and are now allowed to talk to each other.

I’ve swiped through Tinder for a while now and developed the following criteria/method that is relevant to me personally. You’ll have your own list of preferences to apply but this works for me:

The first challenge is to correctly assess;

  1. Which person it is you’re meant to be pre-judging as many profiles have multiple people in the photos. This is trickier than you think sometimes!
  2. Whether the picture is an accurate representation of the person in question or is it so heavily insta-filtered and “arty” you couldn’t spot them standing in an empty room.

Next you have to eliminate anyone with abhorrent traits. Things that you just can’t get over no matter how hot someone is. The following would result in an instant swipe left:
– Smoking
– Kids
– Girls with horses
– Militant Feminists / Oppressively Religious
– Vegans / vegetarians
– Way too much makeup, eg; heavily drawn on eyebrows, fake lashes,
– Any cosmetic surgery evidence
– More than 1 photo with a shit snapchat filter

Then, satisfied you know what your looking at, a simple grading takes place on the Hotness Scale, measured from;
1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10
Troll Ugly – Acceptable – Mega Hot

Traditionally / stereotypically girls who are a 10 feature in magazines and on fashion runways. Personally I really find excessive, inch thick makeup, high heels and big boobs hanging out a major turn off. Mainly society’s 10’s are my 7-8’s just because they are too much about looks. You’re hotter the less you try to look hot, in my eyes. Wear some muddy boots and pull a funny face! You can usually tell a 10 that dropped to a 7 because they have “a face” that is used in every photo that they have decided is their best “face”. Trust me, its not, grow another face, you deserve more than one face…

The hotness scale can be affected by a number of things. It is very subjective but these are a few positive points that would boost a prospective partners position.

Plus points
+2 climbing photo
+2 motorbike photo
+1 wearing a choker / sexy glasses
+1 cosplay / dress up / halloween photo
+1 walking or mentioning a dog
+1 red hair
+1 bikini photo (unless less than a 5)
+1 mentioning travel or obvious travel photo (not the same as holiday photo)
+1 activity photo eg; running, cycling, hiking where not wearing makeup and a bit dirty and sweaty
+1 mentions own business unless cosmetics or fashion based
+1 mentions or photo of camping / vanning
+1 funny face / situation photo or entertaining profile blurb

This combination of variables determines the final position of any given girl on my personalised hotness scale. Providing they fall on or above a 8 they get a positive swipe right.

Decisions are made in real time and are subject to fluctuations in hunger levels, lethargy and drunkenness. It takes approx. 1-10 seconds to find a instant swipe left reject and maybe 10-30 seconds to decide on a positive swipe right.

It is shallow, yes…. But then who is to say that shallow first sight judgements are a bad thing? You have to be physically attracted to whoever your potential partner is. If you aren’t then you’re fighting an uphill battle no matter how nice they are. Bare in mind that you still haven’t actually met the person or spoken to them yet. If you get a match then all you have done is mutually agreed that you find each others appearance acceptable. Now comes the hard bit:
The chat up line.

In my 2 years of procrastaswiping and getting the occasional match, not once has a girl written the first message to me. In the age of equal opportunities, they have had the opportunity and it has never been taken #justsaying

So now I am scratching my brain to come up with something to say. Something witty and relevant, drawn from the limited information presented to me, that will ideally require some sort of response….. yeah… tricky eh!?

Let me know when you think of something…